“Oh shit, we’re going too fast! ! Abort! Abort! F*ck” That was the deeply intriguing and complex conversation I had with my brain as I was on the verge of the most spectacular ski-slope fall I have yet experienced. As the fall was so breathtakingly cringe-worthy, I feel it’s only right to do the story justice with a wealth of detail.
Let me begin by stating that I am not a great skier. I aspire to be, but as I have only gone skiing maybe four or five times in my entire life, I lack that practice necessary to glide swiftly and gracefully on two sticks down the side of a mountain. The best I can do is hurtle down the mountain, my knees bent and legs far apart, probably looking something like a fast-moving, bow-legged ostrich. To remedy my this, I was, and am, determined to learn how to parallel ski (if anyone has any tips please let me know!).
On the day of my spectacular fall, I had been practicing my skiing technique on the easiest ski slopes (all green circles for me, thank you), and felt like I was finally making my skis face in somewhat the same direction. I was feeling pretty confident and proud of myself, when Conor and Denis, two of my three lovely brothers, asked me if I wanted to join them in a run down one of the slopes. Eager to show off my new-found parallel skiing skills, I agreed enthusiastically. We headed up the mountain and I got myself ready to show off my new skills. Now the thing about this particular ski slope was that you could start off on a green circle or blue square (the easier routes) and make a turn halfway down the mountain onto a black diamond or worse (look out foreshadowing).
Anyways, we started on a blue square. It was going alright. My brothers were ahead of me and I was following them closely, trying to perfect my skiing technique. Unfortunately, Denis, daring as always, decided to make a sharp turn onto the ski slope of a black diamond. As I was paying attention to keeping my skis parallel, I didn’t notice until it was too late. When I finally looked up, my heart jumped into my mouth. Holy Cheese Crackers. I felt a rush of adrenaline. By this time, Conor and Denis were bombing down the hill faster than a pair of bowling balls dropped from a building. I gulped and then decided to try and catch up with them.
I slowly began to gather speed. At first, it felt wonderful- I was zooming along successfully. Then I hit a patch of icy slush. “Oh shit, we’re going too fast! ! Abort! Abort! F*ck”- so yeah, that’s where you came in. I can honestly say that if anyone had been unfortunate enough to get in my way in that second, we would probably both be dead now. I was completely out of control and I knew it, which terrified me.
I decided that I had to slow down before I got to the bottom of the hill and ran over some poor, little kid. So I tried sticking one of my skies out sideways. I’m not entirely sure what happened next, but I found myself falling over my leg that was bent at a very odd angle. Then I bounced, yes unfortunately, bounced down the mountainside. My heavy winter coat and snow pants cushioned me each time I hit the snowy ground, but little clouds of snow puffed up and obscured my vision.
When I finally stopped bouncing, I just lay on the ground for a second. I felt rather shocked, and the wind was completely knocked out of me. I heard some yelling from the ski lift. People were calling down to me asking me if I was alright. I took a second to sit up and checked to see if my legs and arms were still functioning. Thankfully my leg, which had taken the worst of the fall, was not broken, and although it was aching a lot, I was able to stand on it. My ski was another matter entirely however. Somehow the ski boot had broken free of the ski, while at the same time twisting the plastic clip that held it in place.
Without one of my skis, I had the choice of walking down the mountain or sliding down on my butt. Deciding that my dignity was already lost, I elegantly scooted down the rest of the mountainside on my caboose. And that’s the story of how I failed to learn to parallel ski.
Fortunately, this story does have a happy ending. Despite my spectacular fall, bruised legs, and slight loss of dignity, I am still determined to learn to parallel ski. So please, let me know if you have any tips.
Stay Safe everyone!